How quickly a mood can turn. Shortly after I wrote my last post, I started feeling a bit adrift. Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy I have just to breathe - in and out and in and out. . . Honestly, it's so exhausting sometimes. The horrible part is that I would both love and hate it to sit and do nothing. I wish I wasn't wired this way. I know that if I can just ride out this period of darkness, I will be okay. The dark never lasts very long.
Recently, and I mean RECENTLY - like a couple of days ago, I went back to the gym. It hasn't been easy or fun, but I'm there. I know that it will get better, but it's only day 2 and right now it sucks. I am sure in a few weeks it will feel great and I'm looking forward to that day.
On the way home from spinning class today I realized that I could SEE happy. By this I mean that I'm not exactly happy now, but I can see myself getting there. After all, I can say that, looking back, there were times in my life where I was happy. And, it wasn't too terribly long ago.
What would make me happy? Feeling good - healthy good - would make me happy. Moments when things aren't so harried and David, the boys, and I are together enjoying each others company. I once asked a co-worker when the last time he felt joy was and he couldn't remember. I'm lucky because for me it was recent.
I'd like to be happy again and luckily I know that it is within my reach.
Someone once said, "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift - that's why we call it the present."
Lately I have been wanting to go back in time to when things seemed more simple. I say SEEMED because at the time I am sure that I didn't think that they were simple. I am sure that I thought those times were just as complicated, stressful, and draining as the present has been.
Yes, I didn't have to deal with being a manager and having to deal with personnel issues but there were always work issues. Seriously, those are a constant and I am mindful that there are a lot of things I cannot control. I'm sure I had the same home issues like a not-as-neat-as-I'd-like house. The one thing that I can say is better today than before is the boys.
The oldest one has settled into a school routine and has been potty-trained for almost a year; the youngest one is well on his way. I can be happy that this year, we don't have summer camp issues. There are times when I wish we could rewind and replay parts of life similar to TiVo. Yeah, that will never happen!
When I got home this evening from work, I couldn't wait to see my sons. I was heads down working all day today and before I knew it, it was time to go home. When I walked through the door, I heard unhappy sounds. The youngest one was crying and was on his way to the tub while the oldest one was crying about getting on the Metra Train. Let's just say that it wasn't the happiest homecoming, but at least I was home!
Things settled down quickly and I was able to eat dinner and watch my boys play on the computer. As I watched them play on their favorite sites - Honda for the oldest and Starfallsfor the youngest - I realized that they were both humming and fidgeting. I'm not sure if you've ever sat with 3 and 4 year olds, but when they're humming and fidgeting they are a bit odd. Let's just say that it's not unlike the mating rituals of seals.
Have a look - they're cute but hard to relax around.
I've let things slide because of work - I admit it. I have high expectations of myself and I often fall short. What happens next is that I spend a lot of time beating myself up for the fact that I have not been abe to reach my lofty goals. This time I am thinking that I'm not going to waste my time beating myself up because,well, it isn't exactly what I would call a productive use of time.
Instead, I'm using the time to make plans on how to fix things. Could this potentially be dangerous? Yes. Only because I probably am not allowing myself the time to take a step back and look at how I've objectively screwed up. Yeah, yeah there's that "beating myself up" language, but you couldn't expect that it wouldn't creep in.
Here's the thing. I recognized that I'm pulled in a zilliondifferent directions, but I'm finally realizing that it's a matter of prioritizing the directions I'm being pulled in. For example, I've always known that my family is more important than work but during the week I spend more of my energy on work. Knowing what's important and actually putting that into practice are 2 different things.
So now I'm forcing myself to compartmentalize work and personal and family. I'm making plans with these differences in mind. Why the change? Because if I don't, I won't have a hope in surviving.
"They" say that when the going get's tough, the tough get going. And, while I'd love to believe that saying is true I am starting to wonder if "they" know anything. The going hasn't gotten that tough for me - no more than usual - but I am finding it hard to be the "tough get going part."
In addition to the normal crazy that is going on in my life right now (the boys being "released" for summer) there are things that are home related that I'm finding that I'm behind in. For example, I remembered on Saturday during a ride home from an errand that I had forgotten to sign up for the tuition plan at school. I'm hoping that the boys don't lose their spot in preschool because that would not only be a failure on my part, but a devastation for the boys. Both of them need to have a regular schedule. And, while it's preschool for them and I'm sure we could find another one, the comfort that the oldest boy feels with this school cannot be bought.
Then there are the bills that I woke up early this morning to pay and the "to do" list at work that I must face. It's bad enough that I put in a near 60 hour work week last week, but I honestly have no idea how in the world I will ever get to the top 5 things on my list at work. There is this ever-present feeling of failure I have for both work and home.
I'm grouchy and stressed and haven't made time for myself to get to the gym. I'm eating horribly and I'm not sleeping (which is pretty much the norm for me - the sleeping part). I would love to figure out a time and place where I could unwind, but trying to schedule that makes me twitchy. Whoever it is - this "they" - that comes up with these lovely sayings, I'd love to meet them because I would give them a piece of my "to do" list to take care of.
I am waaay past annoyed today! I think I've been annoyed all along but I had a few moments to think about exactly how annoyed I am. So, what a I annoyed about? Well, where shall I begin:
The list goes on and on, but what is really annoying to me is that I'm feeling perpetually tired. Exhausted. DRAINED. It's not a medical thing - it's a state of being with me. And, most annoying of all is that I wish I would just SHUT UP ALREADY and stop complaining because I know complaining won't help me at all.
I haven't written consistently in a long, long time and I wonder if it's because I'm lazy or if it's because nothing exciting is going on. In reality, it's because I'm tired and I don't have time. Yeah, nothing exciting is going on. The boys are fine; the hubby is fine; and work - as usual - is crazy busy.
The reorganization and the new responsibilities are keeping me busy. And, the manager who used to be my friend is still not talking to me and she really isn't talking to anyone at work who she thinks I'm close to. It's pretty bad, but at the end of the day, it's work and a paycheck.
I would love for nothing more than a winning lottery ticket. One of the ones where I would win a couple of million dollars (after tax of course). I would quit my job in a heart beat and stay home with my family. *sigh*
So it's day ONE of the new organizational structure that has befallen on me and my co-workers. I really hoped that things would go okay, but I was kidding myself. When you're dealing with someone where image, title, and material things matter, a change in the reporting structure (one where it looks like they were demoted) is not going to be a good thing.
I realized that my co-worker who is now reporting to me is perceived as a "damsel in distress" whereas I will never be seen in that light. There won't be anyone who will worry about my mental and emotional well-being when things like this happen. It's frustrating only because the "poor M" thing is said by everyone - including me!
In reality, it's a good thing that I'm not perceived as the damsel in distress because it means that I'm pretty competent. It's that whole "girl power" thing and it's one of those things that, at times, is completely irritating. Don't get me wrong, I am all for feminism and equal rights but there are times when I wish that someone would say, "poor, poor you!"
